I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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