pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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