the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
