thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
