she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
