I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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