I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
