who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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