I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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