i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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