I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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