i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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