I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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