Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
