if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize