She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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