My sheets look like a crime scene.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
