i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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