the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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