Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize