You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
