we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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