I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
