Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
