matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
