yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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