So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
