HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
