u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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