how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
