I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
