He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
