So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize