I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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