I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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