I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
