Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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