I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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