So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
