Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
