I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
