Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
