If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
