literally had 100 drinks last night.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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