that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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