The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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