Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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