Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My life is pants optional.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
