Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
