That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
