When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
