remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
