when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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