mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
