I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
