I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize