Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
